Homesick


So I’ve never subscribed to the idea that I have to live my life “for” anyone else. I thank my parents for the consistent encouragement and support to live MY life, without fear of guilt or judgment. Of course, there was always always love and the hard work of helping me learn right from wrong.

As a new parent, the part that I am in the most awe of is the incredibly difficult struggle to not pop in and say “No! Don’t do that!” or “I told you so!” It’s got to be one of the worst things to see your kiddo headed RIGHT FOR the same mistake, or the same struggles, or hard path that you ALREADY hacked your way through. How would you sign up to watch your precious baby do the same thing?!

Well. I’m starting to see that it can’t ever work that way (especially with a hormonally charged teenager, right?).  The second you try to stop someone from doing something, that’s the only thing they can think about. Plus, there’s the resentment of someone trying to tell you they know best and don’t trust you to make the right decision. So, starting from the beginning it’s got to be setting up an environment of love and trust, where a young one feels safe to take risks, to try, to open up… and know that even if it doesn’t work out, even if you fall completely on your face – its’ okay to get up and try again. And that – yep, you might have made a mistake this time, but what did you learn about yourself? How can you go forward and take that with you?

So that’s how I’ve been approaching my life as an adult (ha). Let’s do the best we can, learning from those who went before us and staying humble and grateful when things work out, and being gentle with ourselves when things don’t.

What in the heck does this have to do with homesickness?

When we decided to move the Bagley House to Colorado, it was pretty darn exciting and scary and completely unknown. We were moving away from our family and friends, striking out on our own. I absolutely don’t regret our choice, and I’m so thrilled every time I see a perfectly formed snowflake or running stream, knowing that we made the right choice for us.

But it doesn’t mean that we don’t miss that comfort zone – those safe havens of family and friends, where you can just show up and BE. You don’t have to worry about how to present yourself, or the fact that you haven’t showered for who-knows-how-long, or that your kiddo is teething and grumpy. You can just be yourself, safe and loved.

Slowly, we’re finding our way here. We’re meeting people, figuring out where we belong. And I just know – it’s going to be so great, because it already is.
I’m trying to be gentle with myself as well – when things don’t happen fast enough, or don’t pull together perfectly, I tend to get frustrated. I can’t do anything right. I’m not calling my family enough, or sending pictures to the right people, or Skyping with my friends. I’m not doing ENOUGH. The pictures in my head are always so much better than what I pull off in real life.

I’m trying to slowly get where I want to be… and it turns out, I need to give myself the same grace that my parents gave to me as a child – love, patience and practice.

We still feel a bit homesick for everyone in Arizona. And I’m okay with that. 

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