December 17, 2015

Bittersweet


I'm sitting here tonight crying. Just crying.

Because as I hold you in my arms, I'm overwhelmed with all the feelings. I'm so glad that you're healthy and strong and gaining weight like crazy (I can literally feel you getting bigger and sturdier day-to-day).

But I can't believe that you're not even a month old and already so much bigger. So different from the tiny boy you were.

There's more of you behind your eyes these days. More awareness. More personality. You smiled for the first time this week - in response to me, your daddy, and your brother. Incredible. I'm so excited to learn more about you - who you are, and what you like.

This time, though, there's a difference. Every single new beginning is tinged with sadness as well as happiness. Because you're my last baby.

With James, there was more doubt and fear on my part... but every new beginning was completely full of excitement, joy, and possibly even frustration. (Teething, anyone?) We were embarking on a blind journey, with so much yet to be experienced.

And while we're still on that journey (thank you for joining us, small Thomas), it's different now. We still have so much yet to experience together as mama/son, brother/brother, father/son... and as a family. But this babyhood you're in? It's the last time I'll get to go through this as a mama. So every time we walk together with you in your sling... Every time I breathe in your scent and feel your impossibly soft baby hair and back-of-the-head baby rolls... Every time you reach a new milestone (smiling!) or we have a new breakthrough (nursing without pain!)... it's happiness mixed with a tinge of...sadness? Nostalgia? Longing? Wishing I could somehow keep you tiny, but also wanting you to grow big and strong.

This is stretching me an awful lot right now. In my head and in my heart. And so there are tears. Not bad tears, but "my cup is too full, there's no more room" tears.

I've learned so much since becoming a mama. About myself and the world around me. I have a feeling there is still so much left to learn. Thank you for choosing me to be your mama, Thomas. I am looking forward to everything yet to come.


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