Finally my baby

I'm wondering if what I say will make sense to any other mamas out there. Even if not, I feel way better now that I've pinpointed this feeling.

Since Thomas joined us, it's been a little hard to identify him as "my" baby - mostly because he looks so different from James. Now - of COURSE he's my baby. I grew him from scratch inside of me.

While he might not look just like James, he looks like my maternal grandfather and my brother. (The fact that both my babies look so much like my side of the family is kind of nuts!) But deep inside, I was struggling to reconcile him with... something. What I thought he'd look like? Trying to visualize his place within the family? I don't know.

I think it's also been: lack of time to process (hello, life with a toddler), the fact that he seemed so "tan" at first (had a touch of jaundice), and then came down with a raging rash courtesy of cradle cap in the last week (finally clearing up!). It's just been so much to process. While I've loved him so deep my heart fills up and spills out as tears, I've been peering into his face, wondering when I'd see my son - not just a new baby.

It was yesterday.

Thomas is plumping up - nearly 13 pounds at 5 weeks. He's got these fabulous rolls on his thighs and arms, his rash is clearing up a bit, and his skin is getting that creamy translucence that Alan and I were kind enough to bestow on our kids. ;) All of a sudden, something clicked. He looked like my boy. I was so relieved to have that last piece fall into place. He looks just the way he should - just the way he always has - but maybe now my eyes/brain have caught up with my heart.




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